Xenu the galactic overlord
Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.
Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of the excess population, so he made a plan.
With the help of renegades, Xenu took complete control and defeated the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then, with the help of psychiatrists, he called in billions of people for “income tax inspections”, but they were instead given injections of a paralyzing mixture of alcohol and glycol. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC-8 airplanes, except they had rocket motors instead of jet engines.
DC-8
These DC-8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralyzed people, numbering in the hundreds of billions, were stacked around the bases of volcanoes. When everyone had been piled on Teegeeack, H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs and everyone was killed.
The story doesn’t end there though. Since everyone has a soul (or to use the technical term, a thetan), Xenu had to trick the souls into not coming back. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds, he used special traps to catch the souls in electronic beams which were sticky, like fly-paper.
After he had captured all these souls, he had them packed into boxes and taken to huge cinemas for a process called implanting. There the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them lies about what life should be like, and these pictures confused them and tricked them into believing things that were not true. They were shown “false” pictures and were told “false” things, including stories about Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and other religions.
When the films ended and the souls left the cinema, they began to stick together in groups. They had all seen the same film and thought they were the same “person”. They clustered in numbers of a few thousand. There were only a few living bodies left, so they stayed in clusters and inhabited these bodies — our ancestors.
As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets, where he still lives to this day. He is kept there by a force-field powered by an eternal battery.
And so today everyone is full of these clusters of souls, called body thetans. If each of us is to be a free soul, we must remove all our body thetans and pay enormous sums of money to do so. And the only reason people believe in God, Christ, Muhammad or Satan is because it was in the film their body thetans saw 75 million years ago.
